.........a terrible state of being. Running from it only seems to make it worse. Of course, why wouldn't it? You are essentially running from reality all the time. What is so wrong with my reality? It can't be that bad. I have great kids, a husband who adores me & the air I breathe. I have finally found my way to a beautiful place to live by the ocean where I can answer its every beckon call from my soul. Truly, I must have some sort of defect. I am dizzy with the need for something that I cannot grasp nor identify. This is the most obvious sign of my need for a savior. Wretched, i am.
Friday, August 27, 2010
......by repose. As I sit this morning on my small 10 x 12 ft lanai on a sunny southern California morning, I am struck by how easy it is to be at peace in this small corner of living. The trees in front of me are filled with tiny birds that flutter around making very little noise. My favorite curiosity, the humming bird, has also swept in adding to my sense of joy. The sky is an endless expanse of indescribable blue. For such a humble little place of dwelling my open air theater offers a lot to admire.
The simplicity of nature & the fact that it is always free (except when men take POSSESSION of it) is a great example of the goodness of God. The truest sense of living comes from creation. This includes the greatness that can be found in a friend who gives their most honest self. Relationships with people are part of inspired living. I believe more than anything else that God is Love. This is a very simple conclusion but it is one that I have suffered a lot to find as my true North. It is the only compass I have to this day to live by. Love & relationships, Beauty & inspiration are the reality of this life. All the rest is distraction.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Really, now is all that we have to make happiness happen. In this instance, now is a noun. It is a tangible experience with a concrete result. The result is peace & contentment with the expression of a smile. Today the now took place while I was riding my bike up the hill from downtown Dana Point. I looked up to see the eucalyptus tree I was smelling and was delighted to see a butterfly floating above me swirling inside the fragrance. The sun at my back warmed me thoroughly and the memory of the ocean view I was cycling away from still fresh. The promise of a beautiful day sits in front of me waiting to be embraced.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
There are more of them than open doors. Rarely, do we find in life, a door wide open that we did not have to really search for. Sometimes the searching goes on for so long that we loose sight of what it was we were looking for to begin with. I don't know what it would be like to not have to struggle. It seems that I have been doing that longer than I have ever had the opportunity to just sit back & feel free to let life happen.
There is a song that says "Momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this, my momma said..." Those days have turned into a couple of decades now. But my momma never said that. I don't remember her saying anything about the days that would come. Now she says she is sorry that the days have looked like this.
The problem for me seems to be that I feel stuck between doing what is good for my family & doing what would be good for me. What if they are actually one & the same? I may have seen the obstacle all this time, but should have seen the same situation as a blessing. That is merely a shift in perspective that removes the obstacle. This is what I am learning to be true of so many of my conflicts- both with myself & with others. The BIG question is.... "how do I need to shift my perspective in order to make peace with myself & others?" It takes me out of self-centeredness. It also takes me out of self-criticism. The mind can go crazy with too much thinking about what they are thinking & what do I think about what they are thinking? That is a destructive way to live. It leads to paranoia! This may even be the root of all the divisive political haggling & the religious extremes.
It is also one thing to realize a truth & quite another to live that truth!
Monday, August 9, 2010
If I don't know what kind of God HE is, does that make me agnostic? I don't have any answers. I don't know how much to believe that God acts on our behalf or how much he choses to intervene. I don't know what part of the ingredients of life are made up of faith & how much are made up of personal initiative. Is there a magical equation? Some people of the Christian faith like to make life a magical equation. If I do this then, then THIS will happen. If I don't do THAT, then that will happen. So what happens when the equations don't come up with the same answers? Life is unpredictable. God is not completely knowable. I am simply okay with that. It leaves me wondering though. How much of God is knowable? I know, I know.....everyone is sure about all His rules. This is all that some know about HIM. I even question their confidence in that set of absolutes.
I see absolute in the sunset. I see it in the stars. I hear it in the chirping cricket that sits near me at night. I feel it in the breeze that blows softly by the tender skin of my cheeks. I hear it in the Truth of a pure heart of the one who sits beside me telling their story honestly. HE is knowable in the Universe... but He remains a mystery. I cannot cage and capture the spirit of God.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Yesterday, I went to visit an old friend at the same beach house her family has rented once a year for 35 years. As a young teenager I went along for 2 of those summer rituals. It changed my life. It was there at the influenced age of 13 that I discovered my undying love for the ocean & the southern California beach culture. I felt like I had landed in my own backyard-the place I was meant to call home.
As I was there amongst her whole family that had of course grown into grandchildren, nephews & cousins, I realized how important it is to make good memories. This takes intention & commitment. Since time is fleeting & money is too the real stuff of life is what we make of the time & money we have. It is well spent on making memories that foster relationships- good relationships. Good memories are made while everyone is having fun & relaxing with people who bring them joy.
I am very grateful today that her parents had the patience to bring along the rif-raf. These were all the adolescent friends that circled around their children at the time. We benefitted greatly as the guests of a generous family. The same hospitality was present as I walked through the door 25 years later with my own 3 kids in tow. I was greeted by the matriarch with an earnest embrace that felt like the hug of motherhood!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I have been a coastal dweller now for 5 weeks. It has been the place I wanted to live for nearly all my life. Hawaii living was a dream. This place is more like living in the real world with all the challenges & realities life has to dish out. The bonus is, you also get the ocean in your backyard. I can even legitimately decorate my space as one who does live at the beach! Shells, cottage theme, succulents & surf posters even may clutter up my dwelling.
I still find it hard to feel like I live here as is the case every time one moves to a new place. Everything is foreign. My skin crawls with the feeling of being displaced. It is just the reality of being a human being subject to time & space. I mean that in the most literal sense. We are subject to time & space. This is something I have given a lot of thought to lately. Time is limited to the NOW. You can't go back and change anything you've done (notice past-tense.) The future is out of your control UNTIL it becomes the NOW. This leads me to the idea of intentions..... My plans. What do I want? Good question to ask & even answer but today I am not sure I can. Let me get back to this. I have a sense that it is the million dollar question. I could really use a million dollars right now too, LITERALLY!